• Bruna Cabizuca

Perhaps it wasn’t my fault

Why did we even get into an argument in the first place? Everything was going so well. Our relationship was envied by everyone at the university, I even venture to say that we were an example of perfection. But of course, sometimes we had our problems, but what couple doesn’t? We used to fight because of silly things, and sometimes he would get a little too angry with me, but I’m sure this is completely normal for most couples.


There was that day when we went to the party of my best friend, Alexia. Alexia and my boyfriend never liked each other, but after I begged him to come with me, he accepted, and we went. He seemed upset during the whole party, but he was always like that near my friends. And that party was filled with friends of mine, so he had reason to be like that.


Whenever Alexia saw me, she said she was worried about me. She also said that I didn’t look well, even when I was perfectly fine. My boyfriend on the other hand, always said that my friends were bad influences, that all of them were filling my head with doubts and questions. I didn't know what to do in this situation, I never knew who I should listen to. But I think that what he said makes sense, every time that I hung out with my friends I came back really confused. He didn’t like that. That’s why I ended up walking away from my friends.


He never really liked my mom either, but this is normal, right? It’s just normal problems between mother and son-in-law, which happens in every family. Whenever they met, they started arguing. There was one time at a Christmas party that she almost expelled him because he was trying to kiss me in a super inappropriate moment. Over time, I stopped taking him with me to visit my family. But he loved me so much that he didn't like me leaving without him so, gradually, I stopped visiting my parents too.


Although it all hurts me so much, the love I feel for him is the greatest I've ever felt for anyone. I would do everything so that he loves me the way I love him. But is love really enough? I remember now how it was so rare for him to say that he loved me, even though I kept saying it all the time. Our relationship was great, but on second thoughts, there were some things that were not good. There was that day when he pushed me against the wall because I didn't buy enough beer for him and his friends. And also after we came back from a college party he pulled my hair because he said that I had flirted with another boy. Even after I explained to him that I would never do that, he didn’t believe me. He never believed in me or in my potential. Is this normal?


I never heard any of my friends saying that their boyfriend said he wouldn't love them if they didn’t lose weight, and this is something that he always said to me. He was always encouraging me to lose weight and complaining that I was not good enough for him. I hated this then, and it still affects me today. I was okay with my body before, but now, I don’t know anymore. I have never seen a man who is such a different person depending on who he is with. He is not the same with me as he is with anyone else. Is this relationship really normal?


Is it really my fault that we got into an argument, and he broke up with me? Am I really to blame for everything he said I was? Were my friends and family not right about him? Was I happy in that relationship? Do the people that I left because of him , still there to help me now?

Perhaps that situation wasn’t healthy at all. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t get into a relationship to be submissive like that. And even though I still love him, this feeling doesn’t erase everything he did. Perhaps it was not so bad that we got into an argument again, because now I realize that I should never let him treat me like that again.


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