When expectations replace reality

When we are in a relationship, or deeply desire to be in one, we often perceive the other person as who we want them to be. Sometimes, we go even further and without intention try to shape them into that version. Our expectations blind us to who they truly are, making us ignore their reality, favoring our own projections. As a result, we don't fall in love with the person themselves, but with the idea of who we wish they could be. 

Even though we don't do this intentionally, the other half of the relationship might feel frustrated, disappointed, and even pressured to do more than they can, or in some situations, more than they want to. With time, this pressure can create emotional distance, making the relationship feel exhausting rather than comforting for both parts. This is because instead of accepting who our partner is, we mold them so they can relate to what favors us and our expectations. Additionally, this doesn't necessarily happen inside an existence relation. Sometimes, this happens when we are starting to like someone and we confuse potential with reality. We might think, “but it could be like this”or “it will become this way", but in reality, we don't actually know what the other person's plans are, who they will become, and how the relationship will dissolve until we live it. Furthermore, this creates for us an idea that loving this person will be the way we once imagined, and we begin to love who we wish there were instead of who they are. Sometimes, we do this because we love the idea of loving and being loved. However, we can't control what other people think and feel about us, meaning our desire to be loved will not always be returned in the way we expect.

When we focus on our being loved, we create illusions that distance us from reality and prevent ourselves from forming connections that are genuine, since we focus more on how we want things to be than how they really are. Moreover, most of the time we fulfill ourselves with expectations, we are trying to fill our mind with control. It is like a subconscious way to feel we have control over our future, while in the bottom of our heart, we know we cannot control any of that. 

Eventually, the relationships that were once built on expectations tend to fall apart, because we didn't truly like the person for who they were, as our feelings were directed toward an imagined version of who we wanted them to be. Consequently, when the relationship comes to an end, we constantly rethink moments together as if they happened like we imagined. Then, we begin to realize that, most of the time, we were only convincing ourselves that it was what we wanted just because it was more comfortable than facing reality. Furthermore, we realize how many times we were just accepting things we would never tolerate in order to avoid losing the relationship we had idealized.

As I stated before, this is exhausting for both individuals in a connection, as one feels pressure and the other one feels incomplete. The individual who expects is always asking for change and proceeding to get disappointed because the new behavior never comes. These feelings come not because the person did not change, but because they were never who we imagined they were. Meanwhile, the other person just feels pressured to do things that are not part of what they want to do. Therefore, coming to an end is the healthier decision for both, allowing each person to seek for connections that goes beyond projections. 

In conclusion, when we create a love with barriers shaped by expectations, we limit the experience of true love we could have. When we hold on to an imagined version of others, we distance ourselves from genuine connections, because we cannot only love who we wish people were and how we wish things could be.